Diabetes1 Forumss

Forum

>
Topic Title: Crazy Emotions
Created On: 03/03/2009 08:15 PM
 
 03/08/2009 03:08 PM

Author Icon
Savage

Hello Doris,
Well, I agree with you about your boyfriend, Jeff. But there are other reasons, deeper and more insideous that prompts him to say that "he'd rather die," than have diabetes--which really is bullshit. Us drunks/junkies don't want to do anything, or be anything, that presents obstacles to drinking or taking drugs. Nothing. Everything else is a real pain in the ass: family, jobs, relationships, cop lights in the rear view mirror, broken teeth, shoelaces snapping with no time left. Anything. It's kinda funny our being babies--unless you're the one taking care of them. Then those charms of infants--the stumbling, the dribble, the mess--quickly gets "old." Anything that happens to us is all in how it presents itself and how important it was to you at the time of presentation. For me, booze & junk came along at a time when I needed to fuse this fractured soul of mine, and for a time it did its job. If you had felt the same as I did, you might have been writing this instead of me. Yet, for me, there's a delicious irony to all of this. Had I not been diabetic and had an unlimited supply of syringes, I might have very well contracted AIDS and not be alive to tell the tale. Because I know, as sure as I'm writing to this you, and perhaps Anna, and all others who visit this forum, my "split" from myself happened way before I got diabetes. Diabetes solidified it and made it visual and visceral.
These are hard times. In times like these a few business' make out well: prostitution, saloons, drug-dealers. "Stress" will kill ya quick. And I, like you, am loaded with it: mind-numbing job to stay above water, six days a week, a new piece of fiction that makes me feel like an asshole because I can't give it the attention it wants, a computer that's competing with me as to who crawls into the grave first, etc. I hate to ask, but I will: if you, and those of you who are reading or have read my memoir: JUNK SICK: CONFESSIONS OF AN UNCONTROLLED DIABETIC, have the time and inclination maybe you could help get the word out. Except for using my Mac to write and do research on, I'm a complete idiot when it comes to this. If you want to write a review of the book, post it on your blog, share it with others, link it up to this etherworld, I'd be more than grateful. My ex-wife knew about this stuff, but I've lived solo now for the past seven years, and what friends I have are scattered. I'm not complaining about that though. For the most part the four wall have been very fulfilling. But when it comes to this kind of stuff, I'm a child just mummbling, stumbling, and like a blind person, groping my way around.
Anyway, I hope you make it Boston, Doris... and the rest just make it. Awhile back the Joslin got in touch with me wanting to give me a Bronze medal for having insulin dependent diabetes for 50 years. The woman I spoke with said they also give a Silver medal for 75 years. I was more interested in the Gold. That, she replied, they've not given out. That's the one I'm interested in, I said, and hung-up. It's like that old Grocho Marx joke: I never wanted to belong to any country club that would have me as a member. But I am getting better, I swear I am.
Hang tough, all of you,
Norman
 03/08/2009 12:42 PM

Author Icon
dorisjdickson

Hello Norman,

I can't imagine trying to deal with an addiction of any kind in addition to diabetes, especially insulin-dependent. Jeff has already told me he'd rather die than be a diabetic. Of course, the translation of that after the fact was he knows diabetes and alcohol don't go well together. Then again, right now it doesn't go well with his kidneys, liver and pancreas anyway! So, to me, what's the difference.

I look forward to reading an English translation of what I know is a complicated psycho/biological/chemical mess. I'm smiling because as a technical writer, I'm known for NOT understanding technical issues well enough that by the time I'm done translating, most anyone can understand what I wrote. When a programmer initially said that to me I was hurt by the me "not understanding" part until I figure out it was actually a good thing. So, if you turned chemical/psycho babble into English, I'm all for it.

It's OK about the "spring break" thing. I'm obviously a bit sensitive at the moment. My stress hormones are in overdrive and as you know, that doesn't do the body (or blood sugar) well for long periods of time. Every time I start looking forward to something small (e.g. being at the Diabetes1 booth @ the Boston Diabetes Expo next week), I start panicking because I remember the numerous other things that are entirely overwhelming - financially and emotionally.

It's great talking to you. Thanks Norman.

Doris
 03/07/2009 09:38 AM

Author Icon
Savage

Hello Doris,

It's as complicated as we are. It took a lot of time, but I was able to get inside these "diseases" and the result is a pretty comprehensive--as far as I know--coming to grips with both diabetes and addiction. I think, when you read my memoir you'll discover those cutting-edge advances in looking at how some of us grow. It includes some neuropsychobiology, evolutionary biology, and psychopathologies such as borderline personality and narcissistic disorders. But it doesn't present those disciplines in scientific language. I had to break them down until even I understood them--for the most part.
I didn't mean to be so facile about the "spring break" thing. Sometimes I bitch and moan about my job, but at least I have one. Which I'm going to after I end this note to you. I put in six day weeks and I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I never understood how they got it down: they pay you just enough money so you have to show up on Monday. We're all "up against it."

Hold on,
Norman
 03/06/2009 05:25 PM

Author Icon
dorisjdickson

Hi Norman,

Oh heck. I'm not one to look for answers, especially related to dependencies I will never understand. My grandmother was an alcoholic and I get that it's a disease but I'll never understand the chemical and emotional issues with the disease.

I'm one to set goals and target solutions - that's normally a guy thing isn't it? I don't tend to run away from issues. I tend to run head first into them - not always good on my stress, cortisol, adrenalin and glucose levels.

I don't think you really want to wish for a spring break. The reason I'm back in school is to add to my technical writing skills because there is so little work out there. I've been out since the beginning of October.

So the break is merely from school work. I still have other responsiblities including research and writing for this website, "taking care" of my boarder, and job hunting.

Again, I'm glad you came over here. I look forward to reading your book. Please join us for more conversations. A guy is a welcome addition!

Thanks.

Doris J. Dickson
 03/06/2009 04:05 PM

Author Icon
Savage

Hello Doris,
I'm glad you got the book and perhaps it will give you some insight into conditions and behaviors, both yours and Jeff'. But I gotta tell ya: Don't look for too many "answers" even though I've been looking for them most of my life. I now firmly believe that "answers," even when found, are overrated. I do know, though, that the longer I've been around, I've begun to learn to live with two diametrically opposed ideas and feelings in my head at the same time. I still can think and function. Usually, when that would happen in my "youth" I'd grab hold of the one that supplied me with immediate gratification first and the second be damned... or put away for another time. But those lessons have been hard earned for me, and not over I know.
You can always reach me at: nksavage at earthlink dot net. Damn, I wish I had a spring vacation.
Take care of yourself,
Norman
 03/05/2009 09:21 PM

Author Icon
dorisjdickson

Hi Norman,

I'm glad you got my email and decided to post the link to your book on our site. I look forward to reading it over spring break.

At 44 and 32 years after my diagnosis, I thought it was a good idea to go back to school. I'm an unemployed technical writer and thought I'd add to my skillset to make myself more valuable. Silly me ...

Although I have to admit I feel tons and tons better than I did in 1982-1984 when I went to school full-time the first time around. It's amazing what a difference 1) glucose monitors and 2) normalized blood sugar targets make to the body.

I can't say I've had as "active" a life as you have. However, I've got an alcohol boyfriend (of almost 13 years) who is trying to kill himself (with really crappy behavior). And yes, he's tried his share of drugs and gotten into his share of trouble in his 47 years. I'm little miss healthy so this stuff makes no sense to me. He just seems to have no reason to do anything better ... somehow I think you can relate to this better than I can. They are concerned about his pancreas, kidneys and liver at this point.

After I read your book, maybe it will be appropriate to hand it to him (Jeff).

Again, I'm glad you decided to come over here and post the link to your book. We don't have the same rules over here as the ADA does. Thanks heavens. Little to no censorship!

Best wishes to you.

Doris J. Dickson
 03/04/2009 08:01 PM

Author Icon
Savage

Hello Anna,
Thank you for those kind words; sometimes a writer needs to hear them so we know that we're not just flailing around in the dark.
Hold on,
Norman
 03/04/2009 03:12 PM

Author Icon
FatCatAnna

Wow Norman! I'm just reading your interview from your link below about your new book called "Junk Sick: Confessions of an Uncontrolled Diabetic" - and you talk with a passion that sounds like me at times (tho' I tend to use less "mature" <lol> words - but just watch me - I can let lose when need be). I love the way you talk / write - wish I had the gift like you - but as you say - it's taken you 20 years to put this all onto paper. Not all lives are tied up in a pretty pink bow - to be honest - I think it sort of sounds abit dull. Your open candor - like the way you anwered the question of "have you been truthful in this interview?" - good answer!!! I've always considered my life abit of a roller coaster ride - but that's life - and like you - I sometimes think having diabetes has made me a better person perhaps. I don't know. Anyway, the few pages I've seen of your book so far is making me want to explore further into your life. Trust me - I'll be spreading the word about you!!!
 03/03/2009 08:15 PM

Author Icon
Savage

There has been much written about diabetes--how to, cookbooks, glucose control, pumps, etc.--but very little concerning the emotional swings for those with diabetes and deal with it much like we watch the stock market. But ours is an internal ride. I've lived with diabetes since 1958 and am still alive to tell the tale. And what a tale it is! This past summer it was supposed to be published by a major house here in NYC, but then the shit hit the fan. Two senior editors at the house loved it, but it was being delayed by the sales and marketing division who look at things from the past trying to predict the future. It's one of the main reasons why the whole goddamn economy is crumbling around us. My agent, after the economy tanked told me to work on my next book while we "corrected" ourselves. The two senior editors at the publishing house were fired and I was left to think of alternatives. My health is not great and, as all diabetics know, time is nipping at our heels. I decided to get it out and found a way to do it. And maybe, when all is said and done, it will reach more people this way. I do know that as ironic as this may sound, diabetes also saved my life; it's been a curse and a balm.
I've lived a life of madness and mayhem. I’ve had diabetes for 50 years and have been addicted to one substance of another for 45 of those years. It has been a beautifully joyful and painful schizophrenic ride: drugs, booze, women, music, writing, and learning with each new success or defeat. This memoir tries to come to grips with all of life's fractures and contains everything--even you.
I've tried to leave nothing out: family, diabetes, addiction, relationships, jobs, victories as well as defeats. I've provided a few links to view my work and read the interview. Also, for those who want, I can be reached at: nksavage at earthlink dot net.
http://smashwords.com/books/view/715
Interview : http://blog.smashwords.com

RSS
From the BLOGS
KNOW THE BASIC INFORMATION OF DIABETES
Comment By ricvisa
more
Comment
more Blogs
Medication
By FatCatAnna

Posted: Mar 17, 2017
 Thanks for that Andre77 ... though in this area where you've posted "Type 1 Diabetes" - we already know we've got diabetes (50+ years for me).   DiabetesUK has a pretty good description of ...

more more Forums
Symptoms of Diabetes
Find out more about the symptoms of diabetes, especially type 2. You will ...
more more Featured Videos
Cost Savings Tool
Do you know the annual cost of managing your diabetes? Would you like to find ways to reduce your costs? Calculate your total budget and identify ways to save money. You can do this in just a few minutes by entering facts about the products you use. This quick analysis will provide you with a comprehensive overview of both spending and potential savings.

Cost Savings Tool
Monitor Comparison Tools
Blood glucose monitors offer an easy way to test your blood sugar at home or on the go. Use this comparison tool as a guide to learn more about the features and benefits of your current monitor or to find a new one.
Handheld Monitor Comparison
Continuous Glucose Monitor Comparison
Advanced BMI Calculator
Ever wonder if you are at a healthy weight? Then enter your height and weight in our advanced Body Mass Index (BMI) calculator. This tool provides you with two important numbers reflecting the estimated impact of your present body weight and shape upon your overall health.
Advanced BMI Calculator
more Care Tools
 
Dr. Wayne Caputo

Dr. Wayne Caputo:

Simplifying Treatment of Diabetic Ulcers
  more
  more Heroes
  nominate a Hero
  Hero policy
Home | About Us | Press | Make a Suggestion | Content Syndication | Terms of Service | Editorial Policy | Privacy Policy
Last updated: Oct 16, 2019  © 2019 Body1 All rights reserved.